Top 5 Reasons Why Coffee is Better Than Beer
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Mr. Murphy and I are in the midst of the nightmare of issuing, proctoring and grading finals. This is a magical time when our grip on and belief in reality are a bit shaky and there are only a few things that can keep a teacher going: Grace, a pulse and coffee. While I don’t believe Micah to be a coffee drinker, I tend to consume half an ounce for every minute I spend awake between 10pm and 5:45am. So I drink a lot of coffee. This is my ode.
- You won’t get fired for having a coffee dispenser in your classroom – While I may not actually have a naturally flowing source of coffee at my desk, I might as well, given the traditional and travel mugs I use. I did, however, mention to the superintendent that teacher kegs would help with morale. She laughed wildly. She also didn’t say no…
- A “16 ounce coffee” doesn’t sound like nearly as much as “a pint of Guinness” – My aforementioned travel mug holds 16 ounces, which I started off calling “half-a-liter” which, as it turns out, sounds like more than “a pint.”
- Beer causes headaches, coffee cures headaches – There are all sorts of headaches and coffee can take care of most of them; especially those caused by your body’s inordinate craving for caffeine. Beer fails miserably at this task.
- There isn’t a police code for Driving While Espresso’d - Recreational drinking is a fantastic catalyst for Christian fellowship/sharing at any time of day. For some people, there is occasionally the issue of getting home (with alcohol, there is still a gulf between immoral intoxication and the ability to safely operate heavy machinery). Five lattes might cause you to think the sun flickering like a strobe-light is another miracle of Fatima, but they can really only increase your reaction time… right?
- Coffee is accepted across Christendom - Joe is far less controversial than beer and can easily function as the grease in the gears of ecumenism. Can’t agree on Sanctification? Find common ground in the fact that Jesus would have loved this cup of Turtle Island whipped-cream caramel beverage of joy.
All in all, I think coffee’s wide availability and downright affordable price gives it an edge over beer. Of course, the same could be said for a Honda Civic and a Toyota Supra Turbo…
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About the Author
Andrew is honored to be husband to a truly humble and loving woman and father to their three sons. His Catholic faith led him to Benedictine College where his studies focused on Theology, Philosophy, and Psychology. Andrew is an avid fisherman and an experienced musician. Since 2008, Andrew has taught Theology at Loyola College Prep High School in Shreveport, LA.
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About #3, you do realize if you hadn’t gone and gotten yourself addicted to caffeine in the first place, you wouldn’t have an inordinate desire for it? Beer fixes the same craving in alcoholics.
Me, I crave lipids and sucrose. Which reminds me, time for my
16 oz.pint of ice cream…And now, a word from Fr. Z’s sponsors…
That is utter hogwash.
“From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer entered the world.” -St. Arnoldus of Metz
There is perhaps no more Catholic beverage than beer, celebrated by Saints and sinners alike. Coffee on the other hand (I should note I drink 10 cups a day) must trace its ignoble history deep into the recesses of Mohamedism.
Mr Nielsen, you are wise.
Mr Sciba, I will pray for you.
Coffee was baptized by Pope Clement VIII. The Carmelite monks in Cody, WY make the best coffee ever. I’ve always found converts to Catholicism the most zealous for the Faith; don’t bash them because of their roots. :p
I’m certainly not bashing converts for their zeal – just pointing out that they generally have a much greater zeal than cradle Catholics.
I’ve said it before: coffee is a drug. Just say no
Since you’re missing punctuation, I’ll take it as an invitation to convey the proper libertarian sentiment.
Just say no, don’t legislate it out of existence.
er… 16 ounces of Guinness is 4/5ths of a pint of Guinness! It may be an American “pint,” but it sure ain’t a Guinness pint!
And like a previous poster I wold say there are far more reasons to prefer beer as a Catholic than coffee!
For instance…
It has a proud monastic heritage.
It was the drink of the poor and rich alike.
It purified dirty drinking water.
It can be brewed locally from local ingredients almost anywhere in the world.
There’s a magic in its transformation from a mash to a beer that speaks to the divine.
Beer is composed of actual food groups (barley is a grain isn’t it? Coffee is not the kind of bean you can eat on toast!)
Beer makes you want to sing. Coffee makes you want to work!
One more you have all forgotten:
Beer is cheaper by the gallon!
Just loved #4 hehehehe… Coffee’s essential for a hard day at office too, not only for the teachers…
Of course, there is coffee flavored beer. Samuel Adams brew. I’ve had it – delicious.