Top 5 Reasons Why Coffee is Better Than Beer
Mr. Murphy and I are in the midst of the nightmare of issuing, proctoring and grading finals. This is a magical time when our grip on and belief in reality are a bit shaky and there are only a few things that can keep a teacher going: Grace, a pulse and coffee. While I don’t believe Micah to be a coffee drinker, I tend to consume half an ounce for every minute I spend awake between 10pm and 5:45am. So I drink a lot of coffee. This is my ode.
- You won’t get fired for having a coffee dispenser in your classroom – While I may not actually have a naturally flowing source of coffee at my desk, I might as well, given the traditional and travel mugs I use. I did, however, mention to the superintendent that teacher kegs would help with morale. She laughed wildly. She also didn’t say no…
- A “16 ounce coffee” doesn’t sound like nearly as much as “a pint of Guinness” – My aforementioned travel mug holds 16 ounces, which I started off calling “half-a-liter” which, as it turns out, sounds like more than “a pint.”
- Beer causes headaches, coffee cures headaches – There are all sorts of headaches and coffee can take care of most of them; especially those caused by your body’s inordinate craving for caffeine. Beer fails miserably at this task.
- There isn’t a police code for Driving While Espresso’d - Recreational drinking is a fantastic catalyst for Christian fellowship/sharing at any time of day. For some people, there is occasionally the issue of getting home (with alcohol, there is still a gulf between immoral intoxication and the ability to safely operate heavy machinery). Five lattes might cause you to think the sun flickering like a strobe-light is another miracle of Fatima, but they can really only increase your reaction time… right?
- Coffee is accepted across Christendom - Joe is far less controversial than beer and can easily function as the grease in the gears of ecumenism. Can’t agree on Sanctification? Find common ground in the fact that Jesus would have loved this cup of Turtle Island whipped-cream caramel beverage of joy.
All in all, I think coffee’s wide availability and downright affordable price gives it an edge over beer. Of course, the same could be said for a Honda Civic and a Toyota Supra Turbo…