The Humble Pie Challenge

Posted by Katie Sciba in Spirituality | 3 comments

I’m sentimental. My appreciation for nostalgia is a balanced one now, but when I was a kid I kept everything because of sentimental value. Between old homework assignments and feathers from the backyard, my room was a mess of clutter and I was proud of everything I had that attracted dust. In one of several drawers overflowing with “memories,” was a photo album stuffed with my collection of holy cards for every occasion, most of which didn’t apply to an 8 year old – marriage, death of a child, ordination, lost causes. Sifting through my album when packing up for college, I came upon a yellowed scrap of paper with typewriter font with a litany entitled “Mother Teresa’s Humility List.”  Since then each time I read it is like choking down humble pie; and, it always leaves me starving for Christ, yearning to imitate Him.

Mother Teresa’s Humility List

1. Speak as little as possible about yourself.
2. Keep busy with your own affairs and not those of others.
3. Avoid curiosity.
4. Do not interfere in the affairs of others.
5. Accept small irritations with good humor.
6. Do not dwell on the faults of others.
7. Accept censures even if unmerited.
8. Give in to the will of others.
9. Accept insults and injuries.
10. Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded.
11. Be courteous and delicate even when provoked by someone.
12. Do not seek to be admired and loved.
13. Do not protect yourself behind your own dignity.
14. Give in, in discussions, even when you are right.
15. Choose always the more difficult task.

What a challenge! The more I considered this list, the more questions I had. How do I avoid feeling hurt if the opportunity to practice #10 (accepting contempt, disregard) comes up?  How do I apply #7 (accepting censures) or #14 (giving in even when right) without becoming a door mat, letting people walk all over me? In order to practice humility devoutly, a person has to maintain that his dignity lies in God alone. Why would I seek to be admired and loved by others if I need only to be loved by God? – and I already am!

When I gave the list to my spiritual director, he suggested that I rewrite it; not to correct Mother Teresa by any means, but to interpret the list to more specifically suit my vocation as married laity. Within the next week, I’ll submit 2 more posts covering my reflections.

Pride is a horse pill - hard to swallow. I’m so eager to work on this and develop my understanding of not only this list, but of humility on a grander scale. What are the best ways to practice humility as a wife and mother? As a friend? Sizing up the items on my scrap piece of paper makes me feel small and I can’t help but shake my head at my own soul and behavior. Bottoms up!

I hope I get to Heaven. I especially hope that my vocation in marriage ultimately furthers my endeavors by way of my husband drawing me closer to Christ and holiness (so far, so good!). I married Andrew because of who he is and because I wanted to contribute to his own holiness and happiness; not solely because of what he could do for me (though I knew he could help me become a better person). The purpose of life is service to God through one’s vocation and mine specifically includes serving Him through being a good wife and nurturing mother. I’ve noticed that I am most miserable when I focus on myself above my husband and kids. When I choose to fix my thoughts on just me, serve only myself, fret over what I want, I’m a poor, miserable soul and I find myself doing damage control from my selfishness.  It’s also good to treat myself to doing activities that I enjoy because these refreshments add a spark to my day and a bounce in my step, making me a more pleasant addition to our family. This being said, I have addressed each item of Mother Teresa’s steps toward humility in light of being lay, being a wife, and being a mother.  I don’t consider my thoughts to be at all exhaustive:

1. Speak as little as possible about yourself. I need to make sure I’m giving my husband the time of day, so to speak. Make sure he has the opportunity to talk about himself - things going on at work, thoughts on life, preferences, etc. It’s not just about letting him speak, but inviting him to do so and truly listening to him.

2. Keep busy with your own affairs and not those of others. Mind your own business In application to my marriage, my husband and I should discuss what we can better in our own relationship rather than dwelling on the short-comings or successes of other marriages: that is, committing the sins of pride or envy toward other marriages; it’s perfectly acceptable to admire the strengths in other relationships or to learn valuable lessons from mistakes made in others. Negatively judging and criticizing other marriages or methods of parenting is a bad approach to self-exaltation. 

3. Avoid curiosity. This one is a bit difficult, but in my so-far limited understanding, I think it encourages a person to keep focus on what is good only. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

4. Do not interfere in the affairs of others. It is my task to attend to my own family matters, not to stick my nose into the affairs of others. If a person should seek my advice, I can give it and leave things at that, but I shouldn’t meddle in others’ problems.

5. Accept small irritations with good humor. A woman I know used to dread making coffee for her husband in the morning. It was just one of those small annoyances. She added a bit of perspective to little pet peeves (picking up dirty socks, sweeping up tracked-in mud, etc.) by saying, “Someday, he won’t be here for me to make coffee for him.” Life is short – why fuss over something so insignificant when you could spend that time humbly serving your spouse? To serve others is to serve Christ; to serve Christ is certain joy.

6. Do not dwell on the faults of others. With regard to marriage, if I’m so fixed on the downfalls of others’ marriages, then I blind myself to the flaws in my own, allowing whatever flaws there are to sit stagnant or grow. No good.

7. Accept censures even if unmerited. Both of my older siblings have been married to their spouses for over 5 years and from those two wonderful marriages have come 10 beautiful babies. What is astonishing is that numerous strangers have audaciously and critically commented to both my sister and sister-in-law, “You know what causes that, right?” or “Do you drive a bus??” Truly unmerited censures, most of the time, don’t deserve a response. If a response is necessary, it should be developed under the wing of Christian charity and presented with humility. 

8. Give in to the will of others. My husband wants the room arranged one way, I want it another; is it really worth getting into a battle of the wills? If such a little thing contributes to his happiness, then it should contribute to mine as well. Don’t misunderstand me here: I don’t mean that if anything makes him happy, then I should just submit to it, i.e. playing video games for 23 hours straight. St. Paul wrote that love does not insist on its own way. Love is ready and willing to serve and strive for the happiness of others.

9. Accept insults and injuries.
No red lights on the morning commute. Someone comments as you walk by, “Hey, you look nice today!” The boss compliments your work. Good family dinner. Kids go down without a problem. You feel at peace and that night you pray, “Thank you, Lord, for such a great day!” because you acknowledge that these good things were from him. Consider the opposite – someone cuts you off on the way to work, the boss is in a bad mood and is spreading it, and at the end of the day, you go home to chaos with sick or whiny kids. Do you thank God that the wreck of a day is over or do you thank him for it with the same joy as you did the day before? Mother Teresa noted, “We’ve accepted all the good things, we should accept [the bad] too.” My husband put it well, “God uses more than just sunshine and flowers to move in your soul.” Anything and everything can draw us closer to him if only we have humble eyes to see.

10. Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded.
A person’s value lies in God alone. This truth is difficult to recall and recognize! When experiencing #10, my heart of glass shatters and in addition to being instantly forlorn, I become defensive and anxious; however, the confidence that comes with seeking to please God only is great. When you place your value/dignity in other things (how cute your kids are, how organized you are, how many hits on your blog, etc.), then you allow it to be taken away when they fail. No wonder people feel slighted when they’re disliked or ignored.

11. Be courteous and delicate even when provoked by someone.
There’s no sense in fighting fire with fire. Even the most tense disagreements my husband and I have had have been settled in a spirit of charity and rationale – speaking from raw emotion does no good and is often hurtful. Dr. Jean Rioux, a philosophy professor at Benedictine College, once said, “My wife and I don’t look at disagreements as fights to be won by one side or the other, but rather as a joint and rational attempt to arrive at the truth.” When you approach disagreements with anyone in this manner – that you both are fighting for what is good and true – it transforms the other person from opponent to teammate

12. Do not seek to be admired and loved.
Serve others for the sake of serving others, not for the sake of being acknowledged. A friend of mine once said that “service done in the spirit of needing or expecting thanks isn’t the kind of service that makes healthy relationships, marriages, and families.” Of course, it’s very nice to be admired and loved, but let that come naturally instead of chasing after it.

13. Do no protect yourself behind your own dignity.
Christ, King of Kings, washed the feet of his disciples. So it goes without saying that, I, a small soul far beneath the heavenly throne, certainly must avail myself of any opportunity to serve others, especially my husband and children. When I went to camp as a kid, one of the activities we did was give each other pedicures – the objective was to learn and exercise humility and service. As awkward tweens, we hated the idea of touching someone else’s feet; but, the camp director, observing our hesitation, gently reminded us, “Your Lord and Savior washed the feet of his disciples, ladies – it is not beneath you.”

14. Give in, in discussions, even when you are right.
It happens: a difference of strong opinions can lead to a battle of wills. So certain of your own correctness, you refuse to back down, determined to convince your opponent to agree with you. But with a dash of humility, you can let the situation lie because your happiness doesn’t rely on someone else knowing that you’re right. If you know you’re right and the other person refuses to believe it, you can simply state your point and if he/she is unwilling to hear it, say a prayer and move on. Sometimes you have to let it go and consider this: does convincing this person make you more correct than you already were? or more importantly, happier or more humble? Have the humility to listen to another’s thoughts carefully and maintain that same humility to move on.

15. Choose always the more difficult task.
Maybe not when it comes down to letting the dishwasher take care of the dried-cereal bowls, but I think most agree that habitually taking the path of least resistance won’t lead one to much virtue. Habitually facing challenges, however, imparts more knowledge, experience, and humility. Doing so helps you identify with Christ’s suffering and the suffering of others.

In applying this list to my life as married laity, I’ve understood the truth that all things are fleeting. Everything in this life will end, even my marriage (til death do us part, right?). I want to make sure I’m putting stock in God – everlasting, omnipotent, all-loving. Humility is realizing that love of God is #1 and proper love for yourself, your spouse, children, friends, etc. will follow naturally.